Finding my way

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller

So after my last blog post, I have come in contact with many who believe that it is in your head and you can turn depression off with some sort of switch, guess what? It isn't that easy, do some research before you try to give advice, because while you speak, I am looking at you like you are a miseducated idiot.

I saw my Doctor Monday, even though I was prepared to pour my heart out, I froze, I told her I was in a very dark place, my Dr has heard this song and dance from me before, so it wasn't shocking, this time I got two prescriptions, one for Cymbalta, I have tried six different anti depressants and atleast four for anxiety...seeing large spiders the size of a bear in your bedroom at night wasn't awesome, so I deal with depression first. I believe it was Celexa that made me hallucinate. 

The other prescription was for a therapist.  Now that was the furthest thing from my mind these past 12 years, I mean who wants to tell a stranger how crazy they feel? Well that time has come, I need to if I ever want to get better. I am actually excited to get the help and finally get a proper diagnosis.

So we wait....

I started taking the Cymbalta last night, there are many side affects, my dr said it could cause you to bleed....I responded "from where?" 

Bruising was what she was talking about, been there done that, projectile vomiting is also a bad sign, well no excorcist needed here, thankfully, just dizzy and light headed, another side affect, loss of appetite! Which is awesome for a recovering bulimic.....With all that being said, I can deal with those three, but you wonder if it is all worth it.

I will keep you all posted, wish me luck.

I am not afraid

It has been a long time since I have blogged anything but something has been weighing on me for awhile.
I had my 3rd child in February of last year and like many people out there I suffered post partum depression, not to the point that I couldn't look at my child but I was at the point that I didn't want to look at anyone else, my baby was my best friend, I told him my problems and he made me smile.
I went to see my Dr and was prescribed something that I was taking before to help me with my binge eating and depression, it helped at first but then I was on what seemed like a ride through or to hell, not sure which is worse. So as time passed I came off of them, and I was hoping that maybe it was doing the reverse because I was healing, my hormones were returning back to normal, I coped....
I was wrong, who knew that a new house, 3 healthy children, a loving, smart, funny, supportive husband and everything any girl could dream of would make me feel like I was empty inside and so tired, I have 3 kids, I get that, but to not want to get out of bed is a different story.
I guess the best thing is that I know I need to deal with it and I am not in denial and I am not afraid of the outside world and what they think of me, what I am afraid of is that this feeling doesn't go away and that I drown.
I am a fighter and I have fought my way from the bottom, so I am not afraid.
I have a great support system, I couldn't ask for anything or anyone better than my husband, but I feel guilt that my children have to see me through this.
All I can say is if you feel or have felt like this, it is ok, you aren't the only one and you need to speak to the people that love you, don't be afraid.
The ones that are afraid, don't speak up and don't get the chance to fight and sometimes....Well sometimes they can't get out...
I want to start documenting my journey, maybe to help you or others, to tell you that I have been to the other side, I know that there is a better way of living, I just need to find my way.
I see my Doctor Monday, that is my light, I know that I am on the right path, getting there is the first step.

I am not afraid

Being an adult on a bad day

Today was one of those days that you wish you were somewhere else. Now I know there are others that have gone through these feelings today and if not a different day.

One of those days you wished you were still a kid and didn't want the rough parts that come with being an adult or a parent.  One of Those days that every sound makes you cringe. That you wish you could put a pillow over your head and doze off and not have to worry about anything.

One of those days that you haven't slept because something or someone kept you worried or annoyed all night. When you do fall asleep it is quickly ruined by something if anything.

One of those days that you wished were tomorrow.  We all have these days...
The right answer is to just turn around and change the way you feel, you are the master of your life and you make the rules and you chose the way you feel.  Do you say to yourself that tomorrow is the only way?

Why not right now?

Like me

Everyday is a different day but how come they feel so alike?  I wake up, bring Jeff to work, do a little running around, or go to the gym.  Today I have decided to stay positive, don't criticize and judge, just be an all around worthy human being.  I find it keeps those feelings of unworthiness away too when you keep busy. I have tidied the house...a little. Had some me time and Geena is still sleeping, as much as I have done, I feel pretty relaxed.

The past couple of days have been a back and forth battle with food.  I hate it, why can't I just stop thinking about french fries? Why can't I think of a smoothie, I had a smoothie today but wished that it was a bowl of tater tots, so when you go with healthy you feel better but you always think of the junk you passed up.

In our house we are also dealing with a 7 year old and her lies...I have been doing a little research, makes sense, I will give it a try cause I hate lies, so much, I lived with a liar for a few years so I am sure you can understand my frustration, it is starting soooo early, too early, I started when I was about 9 and stopped when I met Jeff, the only thing I have a hard time with is confronting someone about how I feel when I am upset, so I give the old "nothing is wrong" line.  I need to just stop saying no and start saying yes, that is what Jeff tells me almost everyday before he leaves for work.
I am excited for school to start next week, so Oli and I can start to have a schedule. Oh yeah, he starts Pre school next week too, it will be an exciting week, sad week but I also get some me time for a few hours 2 times a week. Oh what to do?

Being Pregnant and living with a disorder

As you all know when I was pregnant with Oliver I gained 65 pounds, I was very depressed during that pregnancy. Now I am pregnant again and I am aware that I have a problem and it haunts me every single day, every time I eat, every time I gain a pound, it is really tough.  I know some of you can relate to me and share the same illness but those of you that don't, don't judge and don't tell me it is easy, I have been dealing with this fight for over 10 years now and sometimes it gets easy and sometimes it consumes your body and mind.

I have had the most control this time but it is hard to look in the mirror and think pregnancy is sexy, charming or beautiful, don't get my wrong, I love my kids and my unborn but it is very difficult.

I had to get that off my chest. 

Please, don't say hate!

I have always thought of myself to be somewhat negative, not until recently have I decided that I am not that bad!  Hearing the words "I hate" ignites a fire in me. I can't stand any sentence that begins in those two words.  How can you hate someone that you haven't seen in years, who are you to say who they are as a person and to actually feel hatred, is it worth it, the pain it causes others and you, saying I hate I believe takes away from your very soul and can take away from who you are, saying I hate to me is like saying I am not happy with me.  I cannot for the life of me say I hate anyone, it isn't in me.  I am trying to teach my kids the same thing.  We all need to make our children believe that hate is part of the past and not the future or what are we telling our children?  How are we setting up their future.  Take a minute to help a lifetime.

It is indeed a New Year

It has been a while, I have had a bumpy start to this New Year, I decided not to make any resolutions this year, no one ever follows through anyhow.

I found this photo on my Ipod, I love it so much, it almost looks like me too, as long as we are solid inside it will show through on the outside.

I decided that my bedroom door gives me the choice to walk through and have the best day of my life or a not so great day, I decided this when I started having a string of bad days, tired and feeling useless.
I am always trying to find something to look forward to because being a stay at home mom can leave you feel lost and looking for the meaning of life.  I have not figured out the meaning of life yet, I thought I did last week but if I have already forgotten what it is then it obviously isn't.
What I am trying to do is remember to be the best me, over the years people change sometimes for the better and sometimes the not so better, I think that I am not being the best me so I will be the best me, I can be the better wife, the better friend and a better mother.  I love my children but I am not a typical mother, I will always ask for advice and will always provide the most love that I can. I look at parenting like this, if everyone is happy, fed and warm then I am doing my job well, I teach my children to be themselves, be funny and always, always be kind to other people but making jokes and making people laugh is a wonderful gift.

I hope everyone is happy, healthy and blessed this year, I have everything I need but I am always working on me! As long as we all have each other that is the best start we can make this year.

Cheers