Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Like me

Everyday is a different day but how come they feel so alike?  I wake up, bring Jeff to work, do a little running around, or go to the gym.  Today I have decided to stay positive, don't criticize and judge, just be an all around worthy human being.  I find it keeps those feelings of unworthiness away too when you keep busy. I have tidied the house...a little. Had some me time and Geena is still sleeping, as much as I have done, I feel pretty relaxed.

The past couple of days have been a back and forth battle with food.  I hate it, why can't I just stop thinking about french fries? Why can't I think of a smoothie, I had a smoothie today but wished that it was a bowl of tater tots, so when you go with healthy you feel better but you always think of the junk you passed up.

In our house we are also dealing with a 7 year old and her lies...I have been doing a little research, makes sense, I will give it a try cause I hate lies, so much, I lived with a liar for a few years so I am sure you can understand my frustration, it is starting soooo early, too early, I started when I was about 9 and stopped when I met Jeff, the only thing I have a hard time with is confronting someone about how I feel when I am upset, so I give the old "nothing is wrong" line.  I need to just stop saying no and start saying yes, that is what Jeff tells me almost everyday before he leaves for work.
I am excited for school to start next week, so Oli and I can start to have a schedule. Oh yeah, he starts Pre school next week too, it will be an exciting week, sad week but I also get some me time for a few hours 2 times a week. Oh what to do?

Monday, August 15, 2011

Being Pregnant and living with a disorder

As you all know when I was pregnant with Oliver I gained 65 pounds, I was very depressed during that pregnancy. Now I am pregnant again and I am aware that I have a problem and it haunts me every single day, every time I eat, every time I gain a pound, it is really tough.  I know some of you can relate to me and share the same illness but those of you that don't, don't judge and don't tell me it is easy, I have been dealing with this fight for over 10 years now and sometimes it gets easy and sometimes it consumes your body and mind.
I have had the most control this time but it is hard to look in the mirror and think pregnancy is sexy, charming or beautiful, don't get my wrong, I love my kids and my unborn but it is very difficult.

I had to get that off my chest.