Unbearable lightness has my attention

I sit here thinking about all the positive changes being made in my life, which leads me to think of all the negative.
When I was younger I remember thinking that I was a failure at school, I was always in trouble, could never think straight and the voice in my head would distract me. I would always look for a way to create some sort of talk or attention towards me, whether it was a training bra in grade 3 or a tank top in a school that had a uniform. I was always trying to get some sort of kick. I wanted people to talk about me and tell me that I looked good, because I never felt good inside, I felt like a failure.

Since reading a book recommended by an old High school acquaintance, I felt positive, I felt like this could be it, this could be what I have been looking for. When you struggle like I do, you always think will it ever stop, will the voice in my head ever be satisfied, the Ego is mighty! It feeds off of you!
So I started my venture, I was going to be vegan, or try it, as soon as I read this book and tried it, I felt a weight removed from around my neck and off my shoulders, like a broom carrying buckets of water traipsed along my shoulder blades. Everyday I have been feeling stronger, I walk by trees and feel overwhelmed with happiness.  It is weird actually.
I then decided to read Unbearable Lightness, by Portia De Rossi.  After seeing her on Ellen and feeling her pain and seeing how much we had in common, even though we live such crazy different lives, I too felt average in school and hated it, I too had a voice in my head, the difference being that hers was a male voice and mine was me, was it younger dumb Jenne or Smarter wise Jenne, always trying to be better and I made myself so miserable.  Not until recently did I come out as a sufferer from an eating disorder but I as well have just started self treatment.

In my Skin

Over the years I have gone on a emotional roller coaster about getting older. I remember turning 20 and thinking OMG! I am half way to 40...Now I am 31 and it doesn't bother me as much.

I have all these marks from life, I have a scar on my knee from when I fell on Shamrock drive in Pincourt off of my bike. I have a scar on my right pinkie from a broken mug, stretch marks on my stomach from carrying my daughter, loose skin all over from gaining 65 pounds with my second pregnancy, bags under my eyes from being a tired parent, tattoo's on my body that have meaning.
This all comes with age, there is no other person in the world that has these exact markings, the real life lines.
My daughter has her first scar on her lower lip from falling when she was about 2 years old, my son will get his first sooner or later, they all come with memories, painful ones but they are like pictures in an album that you can't lose.
I am scared for what comes after life but you only have one, so make the best of it and when you are going through a tough time.  Remember that you are on the path to something better.

Still Jenne from the block

Bullying seems to be a hot topic right now...So I thought it would make sense to share my experiences.

I remember when I was in kindergarten, walking home with my older brother, whom I always looked up to! When two older kids started picking on him, pushing him, putting snow in his face and pushing him down on the ground, I thought why would anyone want to hurt him, he is the best brother anyone can have and would never hurt anyone, I remember screaming at them, calling one of them a pencil dick and telling them to leave him alone, this went one for awhile. I don't remember how or why it stopped, but it broke my heart. I remember my brother telling me maybe a decade or more ago that one of those kids killed himself in his garage...So I think of it like this, the person that needs help is not always the one being bullied but the bully. We need to help these kids so that kids aren't bullied, cause the after affects of being bullied can last for years.

I was bullied in elementary school, in grade 5 specifically. I went to a new school, I took the bus for the first time, there were two girls that made fun of me to no end, they threw my mitts off the bus after throwing them around to their friends. They called me names, they had boys call me names. I remember a specific day I was wearing a really ugly jacket that my grandmother bought me that my mother made me wear, told me I shouldn't care what others thought and one of the girls asked if I got it at the salvation army, in front of everyone, I wanted to die.

Now I don't know why I was bullied, was it because my hair was too blond or my eyes too blue, was it because my jokes were bad or I was nice. I really can't think of it, maybe it was jealousy, cause this one girl had really bad hair...Anyways, I know that I did not deserve this treatment, no one does. I remember when I was a hair dresser in my 20's, a girl I worked with said that one of these girls coached her daughter in swimming and she said to the girl I worked with, "oh you know Jenne...She is such a little bitch". Funny thing is, I hadn't seen her since I was 12 years old, so for ten years she held these feelings.  Why?? No idea, I was bullied on numerous occasions and sometimes by my friends in high school.

Bad Parenting

I can't stand when parents would rather put there child in their crib or their room than play with or deal with them! I hate watching parents fight in front of their kids! It makes me really sad and angry. What hurts more is to know there are children out there starving, beaten and alone.

That is what friends are for

I struggle on this topic, like I am sure many do.  What is a friend? When is it time to move on?  I have never been good at moving on, I have been burned and I have been the burner as well.

I can tell you one thing, when a friend confides in you, you need to make sure to keep it to yourself. I have had many friends come and go but the friendships I have now are the most important ones, the ones that keep building, the things that once mattered don't, and the things that matter now are the most important, as we all find ourselves, our friends are our confidants, when I think about the friends I have now, I am blessed.  We need to learn to forgive and let go and we need to learn not to judge our friends and hope they do the same.

So....When do you know a friendship has ended? When a friend becomes toxic, all they do is bring you down, as well as themselves, how far can you go to help a friend before it is too far?  That is a hard question to answer. I still can't really figure that one out.  I can tell you this, I am way too forgiving, is it a fault or is it a golden quality I possess? I don't know, I can tell you this, to have me as a friend is a great thing because I will never hurt you and I will only try to help you be better and I hope that you will do the same!  Much love to you all!

A day like no other day

Today could of been like any other day, so far it isn't, so I think I will prepare my self for a great day.
I went into a famous coffee shop, where I was greeted by the barrista and we chatted for a few minutes, my daughter asked for one of their huge bottles of water, I said "Uh no, I don't think so, you never drink it," I hate when you buy your kids something, especially water, what a great choice, but all they do is take a sip, back wash and then put it to the side, no one will drink it then.

When I was walking over to get my Vente, no foam, extra hot, skinny vanilla latte a lady walked up to me, a customer with a glass of water and a straw and said "this is for your daughter", I thought it would be a nice gesture" Wow, really?!  Shit like that doesn't happen anymore. Then the man in front of me asked me if I wanted him to put a lid on my latte, cause he has 3 kids and knows how it can be difficult.  Again, really?!?! What a shocker, then someone held the door for me. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.
So I decided, today will be a great day! ;)

Are you serious, this is what teenagers have become

I will never forget this! Before my son was born my husband, my daughter and I were walking through the mall when my husband felt a strong presence behind him.  No it wasn't a ghost, it would have been better if it were, it was a teenager...3 exactly...When my husband asked one of these young "ladies" to stop walking on top of him, she said "Be careful of what you say in front of your daughter". I then said "Are you serious?", she then responded "Seriously, unless you want to get your ass beat in front of you kid, I would watch what you say."

I am not kidding, it ended shortly after that, the girls friends looked scared, like she would actually have done something. What has this world come to? There are prosti-tots everywhere, half naked teenagers on every corner of every street.

I remember being a teenager, it was never that bad, I would never have spoken to anyone in this manner, maybe I have a friend that would have but a lot tamer, it is ridiculous, makes me scared for my own children.

To be brutally honest

I have received a few emails in regards to my first Blog, it really shows that we are not alone, we are not the only people in the world that suffer from eating disorders. It is amazing how many people you know have this illness, it may be someone you are really close to and you could have no idea, what causes this?

Today is the 10 year anniversary of the death of my Beloved Grandfather.  This human being brought so much joy, love and spirit to this world, which makes me think, 10 years....Wow, that is how long I have been sick for...Coincidence?  Who really knows, I can't even answer that question.

I remember seeing family photos of me and my 2 brothers right after I got out of the hospital for a throat infection when I was about 20, this was a really difficult part of my life to begin with.  I couldn't find a serious relationship, I didn't like myself much and I notice I looked really chubby and just overall unattractive, since then I pinch the fat on my stomach and arms, the fat that surrounds my muscles really makes me queasy.

I sometimes think, maybe watching my own mother struggle with weight her entire life has made me this way, which makes me very mindful about what I say or do in front of my own daughter, I remember when I first came out to my husband, I was going to the gym all the time, which can be another form of bulimia, my daughter was going to the basement and pulling out the yoga mat to do her "exercises", this made me feel guilty, I know that exercising is normal and encouraged, but am I the reason she was worrying about weight?  You can't help but think these thoughts. Is bulimia hereditary? I am starting to think that many mental illnesses are linked to our parents and our parents parents. Where do you think your mental health issues stem from?

To Unplug or not to Unplug?

I always wonder if TV makes us depressed...I always wonder what it would be like if I unplugged for a day...Should I give it a try? I hear that when you don't have life's little distractions like TV, the internet, Cell phones, Toasters and all that jazz, your life gets better! I think I want to try this, see what it is like, just turn all power off and have a great time, read a book and stare at the wall, I kid of course about the wall.

What would it be like to stare at the sky and smell the leaves and enjoy the air? Without feeling pressure to watch a season premiere or the Jersey Shore...Man those kids are funny and unbelievable. A tad bit Slutty that Situation!

See my life revolves around how many girls the situation is going to hide from one another all over his house or new catch phrases he is going to create.  Most people have status updates updating us that they are watching TV, I know you are watching TV, Now I know exactly where you are and what you are doing....Can I have a crap update as well? Again I kid! But I am sure that most of us by the time we realize what day it is we are already excited for what shows are on later that evening.

I will promise to you now that tomorrow I am unplugging...No TV, No Internet, No phone, say goodbye tonight cause tomorrow is a different kind of day, man I hope it doesn't rain!

Well well, here we are

I always think to myself, "No one in this world knows me like I do, not even my husband, no one hears the thoughts that are in my head or how I feel all the time...Sometimes I don't even know me."

Does that sound crazy?  No, I don't think so.

It has been almost 10 years since I developed Bulimia, I remember living with my roommate and asking her if she knew what was going on...She said "I know exactly what is going on!" From then on in, I was going to hide it better and be better at it.  This illness stopped following me when I got pregnant with my daughter, thank god, I beat it or it was cured...No it wasn't, it came back, It came back a year before I lost my job, why? I have no idea...But I finally admitted it to my Husband about 2 years ago.  Broke down and admitted it, see when you have an illness like this, no one understands and thinks you can just stop or turn it off, you can't, they call it an illness for a reason.

I remember the first time that I had a bulimic episode, I was about 21 years old, I joined a gym, I worked out for the first time in my life, then my roommatte thought it would be a great idea to go the the Beautiful Province and eat a poutine...I felt so guilty that I made myself sick, easy! I was losing weight and everyone told me how great I looked.  Thinking that it was the gym, I knew the real secret.  How easy, what a fix. Laxatives where my best friend!

Now since having my son, I have been working really hard with myself. No binging and healthy living! It is really hard sometimes but I am really trying to beat these demons. I think to myself, I am not doing this for my kids, I am doing this for me, this is a part of my life that I need to conquor!

This is me! We all need help sometimes, we need to rely on the ones we love for emotional support, that is why they love us and we love them, isn't it?