Please, don't say hate!

I have always thought of myself to be somewhat negative, not until recently have I decided that I am not that bad!  Hearing the words "I hate" ignites a fire in me. I can't stand any sentence that begins in those two words.  How can you hate someone that you haven't seen in years, who are you to say who they are as a person and to actually feel hatred, is it worth it, the pain it causes others and you, saying I hate I believe takes away from your very soul and can take away from who you are, saying I hate to me is like saying I am not happy with me.  I cannot for the life of me say I hate anyone, it isn't in me.  I am trying to teach my kids the same thing.  We all need to make our children believe that hate is part of the past and not the future or what are we telling our children?  How are we setting up their future.  Take a minute to help a lifetime.

It is indeed a New Year

It has been a while, I have had a bumpy start to this New Year, I decided not to make any resolutions this year, no one ever follows through anyhow.

I found this photo on my Ipod, I love it so much, it almost looks like me too, as long as we are solid inside it will show through on the outside.

I decided that my bedroom door gives me the choice to walk through and have the best day of my life or a not so great day, I decided this when I started having a string of bad days, tired and feeling useless.
I am always trying to find something to look forward to because being a stay at home mom can leave you feel lost and looking for the meaning of life.  I have not figured out the meaning of life yet, I thought I did last week but if I have already forgotten what it is then it obviously isn't.
What I am trying to do is remember to be the best me, over the years people change sometimes for the better and sometimes the not so better, I think that I am not being the best me so I will be the best me, I can be the better wife, the better friend and a better mother.  I love my children but I am not a typical mother, I will always ask for advice and will always provide the most love that I can. I look at parenting like this, if everyone is happy, fed and warm then I am doing my job well, I teach my children to be themselves, be funny and always, always be kind to other people but making jokes and making people laugh is a wonderful gift.

I hope everyone is happy, healthy and blessed this year, I have everything I need but I am always working on me! As long as we all have each other that is the best start we can make this year.

Cheers

Unbearable lightness has my attention

I sit here thinking about all the positive changes being made in my life, which leads me to think of all the negative.
When I was younger I remember thinking that I was a failure at school, I was always in trouble, could never think straight and the voice in my head would distract me. I would always look for a way to create some sort of talk or attention towards me, whether it was a training bra in grade 3 or a tank top in a school that had a uniform. I was always trying to get some sort of kick. I wanted people to talk about me and tell me that I looked good, because I never felt good inside, I felt like a failure.

Since reading a book recommended by an old High school acquaintance, I felt positive, I felt like this could be it, this could be what I have been looking for. When you struggle like I do, you always think will it ever stop, will the voice in my head ever be satisfied, the Ego is mighty! It feeds off of you!
So I started my venture, I was going to be vegan, or try it, as soon as I read this book and tried it, I felt a weight removed from around my neck and off my shoulders, like a broom carrying buckets of water traipsed along my shoulder blades. Everyday I have been feeling stronger, I walk by trees and feel overwhelmed with happiness.  It is weird actually.
I then decided to read Unbearable Lightness, by Portia De Rossi.  After seeing her on Ellen and feeling her pain and seeing how much we had in common, even though we live such crazy different lives, I too felt average in school and hated it, I too had a voice in my head, the difference being that hers was a male voice and mine was me, was it younger dumb Jenne or Smarter wise Jenne, always trying to be better and I made myself so miserable.  Not until recently did I come out as a sufferer from an eating disorder but I as well have just started self treatment.

In my Skin

Over the years I have gone on a emotional roller coaster about getting older. I remember turning 20 and thinking OMG! I am half way to 40...Now I am 31 and it doesn't bother me as much.

I have all these marks from life, I have a scar on my knee from when I fell on Shamrock drive in Pincourt off of my bike. I have a scar on my right pinkie from a broken mug, stretch marks on my stomach from carrying my daughter, loose skin all over from gaining 65 pounds with my second pregnancy, bags under my eyes from being a tired parent, tattoo's on my body that have meaning.
This all comes with age, there is no other person in the world that has these exact markings, the real life lines.
My daughter has her first scar on her lower lip from falling when she was about 2 years old, my son will get his first sooner or later, they all come with memories, painful ones but they are like pictures in an album that you can't lose.
I am scared for what comes after life but you only have one, so make the best of it and when you are going through a tough time.  Remember that you are on the path to something better.

Still Jenne from the block

Bullying seems to be a hot topic right now...So I thought it would make sense to share my experiences.

I remember when I was in kindergarten, walking home with my older brother, whom I always looked up to! When two older kids started picking on him, pushing him, putting snow in his face and pushing him down on the ground, I thought why would anyone want to hurt him, he is the best brother anyone can have and would never hurt anyone, I remember screaming at them, calling one of them a pencil dick and telling them to leave him alone, this went one for awhile. I don't remember how or why it stopped, but it broke my heart. I remember my brother telling me maybe a decade or more ago that one of those kids killed himself in his garage...So I think of it like this, the person that needs help is not always the one being bullied but the bully. We need to help these kids so that kids aren't bullied, cause the after affects of being bullied can last for years.

I was bullied in elementary school, in grade 5 specifically. I went to a new school, I took the bus for the first time, there were two girls that made fun of me to no end, they threw my mitts off the bus after throwing them around to their friends. They called me names, they had boys call me names. I remember a specific day I was wearing a really ugly jacket that my grandmother bought me that my mother made me wear, told me I shouldn't care what others thought and one of the girls asked if I got it at the salvation army, in front of everyone, I wanted to die.

Now I don't know why I was bullied, was it because my hair was too blond or my eyes too blue, was it because my jokes were bad or I was nice. I really can't think of it, maybe it was jealousy, cause this one girl had really bad hair...Anyways, I know that I did not deserve this treatment, no one does. I remember when I was a hair dresser in my 20's, a girl I worked with said that one of these girls coached her daughter in swimming and she said to the girl I worked with, "oh you know Jenne...She is such a little bitch". Funny thing is, I hadn't seen her since I was 12 years old, so for ten years she held these feelings.  Why?? No idea, I was bullied on numerous occasions and sometimes by my friends in high school.

Bad Parenting

I can't stand when parents would rather put there child in their crib or their room than play with or deal with them! I hate watching parents fight in front of their kids! It makes me really sad and angry. What hurts more is to know there are children out there starving, beaten and alone.

That is what friends are for

I struggle on this topic, like I am sure many do.  What is a friend? When is it time to move on?  I have never been good at moving on, I have been burned and I have been the burner as well.

I can tell you one thing, when a friend confides in you, you need to make sure to keep it to yourself. I have had many friends come and go but the friendships I have now are the most important ones, the ones that keep building, the things that once mattered don't, and the things that matter now are the most important, as we all find ourselves, our friends are our confidants, when I think about the friends I have now, I am blessed.  We need to learn to forgive and let go and we need to learn not to judge our friends and hope they do the same.

So....When do you know a friendship has ended? When a friend becomes toxic, all they do is bring you down, as well as themselves, how far can you go to help a friend before it is too far?  That is a hard question to answer. I still can't really figure that one out.  I can tell you this, I am way too forgiving, is it a fault or is it a golden quality I possess? I don't know, I can tell you this, to have me as a friend is a great thing because I will never hurt you and I will only try to help you be better and I hope that you will do the same!  Much love to you all!