Finding my way

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller

So after my last blog post, I have come in contact with many who believe that it is in your head and you can turn depression off with some sort of switch, guess what? It isn't that easy, do some research before you try to give advice, because while you speak, I am looking at you like you are a miseducated idiot.

I saw my Doctor Monday, even though I was prepared to pour my heart out, I froze, I told her I was in a very dark place, my Dr has heard this song and dance from me before, so it wasn't shocking, this time I got two prescriptions, one for Cymbalta, I have tried six different anti depressants and atleast four for anxiety...seeing large spiders the size of a bear in your bedroom at night wasn't awesome, so I deal with depression first. I believe it was Celexa that made me hallucinate. 

The other prescription was for a therapist.  Now that was the furthest thing from my mind these past 12 years, I mean who wants to tell a stranger how crazy they feel? Well that time has come, I need to if I ever want to get better. I am actually excited to get the help and finally get a proper diagnosis.

So we wait....

I started taking the Cymbalta last night, there are many side affects, my dr said it could cause you to bleed....I responded "from where?" 

Bruising was what she was talking about, been there done that, projectile vomiting is also a bad sign, well no excorcist needed here, thankfully, just dizzy and light headed, another side affect, loss of appetite! Which is awesome for a recovering bulimic.....With all that being said, I can deal with those three, but you wonder if it is all worth it.

I will keep you all posted, wish me luck.

I am not afraid

It has been a long time since I have blogged anything but something has been weighing on me for awhile.
I had my 3rd child in February of last year and like many people out there I suffered post partum depression, not to the point that I couldn't look at my child but I was at the point that I didn't want to look at anyone else, my baby was my best friend, I told him my problems and he made me smile.
I went to see my Dr and was prescribed something that I was taking before to help me with my binge eating and depression, it helped at first but then I was on what seemed like a ride through or to hell, not sure which is worse. So as time passed I came off of them, and I was hoping that maybe it was doing the reverse because I was healing, my hormones were returning back to normal, I coped....
I was wrong, who knew that a new house, 3 healthy children, a loving, smart, funny, supportive husband and everything any girl could dream of would make me feel like I was empty inside and so tired, I have 3 kids, I get that, but to not want to get out of bed is a different story.
I guess the best thing is that I know I need to deal with it and I am not in denial and I am not afraid of the outside world and what they think of me, what I am afraid of is that this feeling doesn't go away and that I drown.
I am a fighter and I have fought my way from the bottom, so I am not afraid.
I have a great support system, I couldn't ask for anything or anyone better than my husband, but I feel guilt that my children have to see me through this.
All I can say is if you feel or have felt like this, it is ok, you aren't the only one and you need to speak to the people that love you, don't be afraid.
The ones that are afraid, don't speak up and don't get the chance to fight and sometimes....Well sometimes they can't get out...
I want to start documenting my journey, maybe to help you or others, to tell you that I have been to the other side, I know that there is a better way of living, I just need to find my way.
I see my Doctor Monday, that is my light, I know that I am on the right path, getting there is the first step.

I am not afraid