My love for Muhney

I am not a professional writer and I will never claim to be one, this is me telling you how I see it, my opinion at best.

It has been approximately 80 days since Michael Muhney informed the world that he was let go from The Young and the Restless, approximately 35 days since we have seen his powerful portrayal of Adam Newman, which means it has been about 80 days that Muhney fans or #TeamMuhney have been attacked and have been on the defence.
I have been called a pervert and a whore to say the least, a mother of 3 who battles Depression, Anxiety and has also overcome a powerful eating disorder, many others have faced these diseases and still struggle with them on a daily basis.
These attacks are to people you don't know, people that live similar or very different lives than you do, we are all human, we all make mistakes, it is whether you learn from those mistakes that separates yourself from the ones that don't.  I have been angry and said some things, I have been sad and said some things, the truth is this is some sort of grieving process, we lost someone that we saw everyday, someone that came into our homes and let us escape our everyday problems, a moment in time you got to just let go and be a part of the Young and the Restless, 5 days a week, all year long for over 40 years.
During the past 6 years I have gone through a personal hell on earth, Michael was such an inspiration, what he did with his character changed daytime forever, like some of the other talent that has come and gone from our beloved show and many of the cast that are still there today. The gift of acting doesn't come easy to some but Michael proved he was given a special gift and he let us catch a glimpse! We are lucky to have witnessed all or most of it.
I know for me, this is a major part of why I stand behind him, I said it this morning, I stand with Michael because no one should stand alone.  While your entire world unravels and people say things, hurtful words and spew venom, things that can damage everything you ever thought about yourself, to damage a reputation is one thing, but to damage who someone is on the inside is another.  No one really knows the truth but the 2 people involved, no one else, whether you claim to or not, you don't know!  You know what?  I have a "source" but I don't even think my "source" really truly understands what happened, it is easy to say you know when the other person isn't there to defend themselves..trust me I know, I have been through a similar situation, the lies and rumours that follow when someone is let go is unimaginable.  People who have claimed to be your family away from home, quickly change their tune, why?  Because they want to keep their job and/or are easily influenced by others.  Unless you work very close to someone on a daily basis, you really don't have much say in what really happened.  We don't know the back stage politics but we have seen and heard that cliques are everywhere.  One thing I do know is Michael wasn't there to defend himself.
Before you release your opinion into this world, remember who your audience is, expect that there will be backlash, expect opinions, love and hate.  The thing is, I don't think us fans have gotten the same respect.  A simple statement, a quiet cast or an understanding of the great loss we experienced when Michael was let go.  Instead we saw a circus of fans against cast and cast against fans, a simple "I understand you are upset, we all are" would have been acceptable, the flames would have gone out.  Then we saw that someone leaked a very personal story to a certain Gossip team.  To stop the "attacks" against cast and show,  we all thought long and hard after that "piece" was released.  What it was meant to do, backfired, made those flames uncontrollable.  People either a fan of Mr Muhney, a part of #TeamMuhney or a fan of YR had or has an opinion, that will never change, but to be harassed on a daily basis is gross at least.  We need to respect the opinions of others and there is a healthy way to debate but from what I have seen, it is apparent that some won't back down.
All you can do is try to be a better you, try to have your voice heard in a respectable manner and continue to love and have passion for what you do and believe in.
If you make a mistake, be the better person and own up and if you are the other, be an even bigger person and forgive!

I stand up for Michael Muhney, no one stands alone.

Starting to live, the road from #Depression

The last time I wrote was when I started taking Cymbalta.  Been there, done that. I have been medication free since July.  I have suffered from depression since my teen years, this summer I said enough, I am taking my life back!

I started the weening process in July, what I thought would be a tough go turned out to be the worst point of my life.  Vomiting, brain zaps, dizzy spells and phobia's, the most terrifying experience of my life!  I even missed my sons 4th Birthday.  I needed something anything to grab onto. I couldn't leave my house. I experienced chest pains and stomach issues, loss of appetite and extreme weight loss, what was happening to me? I had been on many different medications, Zoloft, Prozac, Celexa, Effexor, Wellbutrin, the list goes on.  Nothing came close to the withdrawals I experienced coming off of Cymbalta. I was hallucinating daily, mostly spiders, from thousands of little ones to a very large one hanging over my bed.  Many nights I woke up in a panic.
After talking with my Doctor, who has been very supportive, we decided I should get my buns in gear and finally get into Therapy!  She provided me with a list of Doctors, called a couple, one called me back really quickly.  I was excited to start my journey, at the same time, I thought that she may call in the white coats to take me away.  Which at the time, I was close to committing my self, I remember thinking and saying many times, "I can't take this anymore, I am close to committing myself".
The therapist I went to specialized in Cognitive Behaviour therapy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

There are 10 forms of Cognitive Distortions

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion

I had to make a list of positive and negative, it was harder to find the positive than to find the negative.

My positives: Caring, generous, loyal, hilarious and smart
My Negatives: Negative, Weak, Lazy, I always think I am sick and/or dying, self critical and fat. The list goes on.

This was all from my first experience with therapy, there was a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
The one thing I carried from my first session, that brought me down on so many occasions was that I have very high expectations for myself and others, imagine trying to meet such high expectations everyday and failing, which to me brought me down even deeper, then to not have the strength to even try anymore.  It becomes easier to live life when you lower those expectations.  To not beat yourself up everyday.

LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS for yourself and your loved ones.  First step. Talk to your Doctor, seek help.

Depending on how much I can reach out to others and help them, I will give you more tools to help you begin your journey, even if it is an ear to listen.  Take control and start living!

Finding my way

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller

So after my last blog post, I have come in contact with many who believe that it is in your head and you can turn depression off with some sort of switch, guess what? It isn't that easy, do some research before you try to give advice, because while you speak, I am looking at you like you are a miseducated idiot.

I saw my Doctor Monday, even though I was prepared to pour my heart out, I froze, I told her I was in a very dark place, my Dr has heard this song and dance from me before, so it wasn't shocking, this time I got two prescriptions, one for Cymbalta, I have tried six different anti depressants and atleast four for anxiety...seeing large spiders the size of a bear in your bedroom at night wasn't awesome, so I deal with depression first. I believe it was Celexa that made me hallucinate. 

The other prescription was for a therapist.  Now that was the furthest thing from my mind these past 12 years, I mean who wants to tell a stranger how crazy they feel? Well that time has come, I need to if I ever want to get better. I am actually excited to get the help and finally get a proper diagnosis.

So we wait....

I started taking the Cymbalta last night, there are many side affects, my dr said it could cause you to bleed....I responded "from where?" 

Bruising was what she was talking about, been there done that, projectile vomiting is also a bad sign, well no excorcist needed here, thankfully, just dizzy and light headed, another side affect, loss of appetite! Which is awesome for a recovering bulimic.....With all that being said, I can deal with those three, but you wonder if it is all worth it.

I will keep you all posted, wish me luck.

I am not afraid

It has been a long time since I have blogged anything but something has been weighing on me for awhile.
I had my 3rd child in February of last year and like many people out there I suffered post partum depression, not to the point that I couldn't look at my child but I was at the point that I didn't want to look at anyone else, my baby was my best friend, I told him my problems and he made me smile.
I went to see my Dr and was prescribed something that I was taking before to help me with my binge eating and depression, it helped at first but then I was on what seemed like a ride through or to hell, not sure which is worse. So as time passed I came off of them, and I was hoping that maybe it was doing the reverse because I was healing, my hormones were returning back to normal, I coped....
I was wrong, who knew that a new house, 3 healthy children, a loving, smart, funny, supportive husband and everything any girl could dream of would make me feel like I was empty inside and so tired, I have 3 kids, I get that, but to not want to get out of bed is a different story.
I guess the best thing is that I know I need to deal with it and I am not in denial and I am not afraid of the outside world and what they think of me, what I am afraid of is that this feeling doesn't go away and that I drown.
I am a fighter and I have fought my way from the bottom, so I am not afraid.
I have a great support system, I couldn't ask for anything or anyone better than my husband, but I feel guilt that my children have to see me through this.
All I can say is if you feel or have felt like this, it is ok, you aren't the only one and you need to speak to the people that love you, don't be afraid.
The ones that are afraid, don't speak up and don't get the chance to fight and sometimes....Well sometimes they can't get out...
I want to start documenting my journey, maybe to help you or others, to tell you that I have been to the other side, I know that there is a better way of living, I just need to find my way.
I see my Doctor Monday, that is my light, I know that I am on the right path, getting there is the first step.

I am not afraid

Being an adult on a bad day

Today was one of those days that you wish you were somewhere else. Now I know there are others that have gone through these feelings today and if not a different day.

One of those days you wished you were still a kid and didn't want the rough parts that come with being an adult or a parent.  One of Those days that every sound makes you cringe. That you wish you could put a pillow over your head and doze off and not have to worry about anything.

One of those days that you haven't slept because something or someone kept you worried or annoyed all night. When you do fall asleep it is quickly ruined by something if anything.

One of those days that you wished were tomorrow.  We all have these days...
The right answer is to just turn around and change the way you feel, you are the master of your life and you make the rules and you chose the way you feel.  Do you say to yourself that tomorrow is the only way?

Why not right now?

Like me

Everyday is a different day but how come they feel so alike?  I wake up, bring Jeff to work, do a little running around, or go to the gym.  Today I have decided to stay positive, don't criticize and judge, just be an all around worthy human being.  I find it keeps those feelings of unworthiness away too when you keep busy. I have tidied the house...a little. Had some me time and Geena is still sleeping, as much as I have done, I feel pretty relaxed.

The past couple of days have been a back and forth battle with food.  I hate it, why can't I just stop thinking about french fries? Why can't I think of a smoothie, I had a smoothie today but wished that it was a bowl of tater tots, so when you go with healthy you feel better but you always think of the junk you passed up.

In our house we are also dealing with a 7 year old and her lies...I have been doing a little research, makes sense, I will give it a try cause I hate lies, so much, I lived with a liar for a few years so I am sure you can understand my frustration, it is starting soooo early, too early, I started when I was about 9 and stopped when I met Jeff, the only thing I have a hard time with is confronting someone about how I feel when I am upset, so I give the old "nothing is wrong" line.  I need to just stop saying no and start saying yes, that is what Jeff tells me almost everyday before he leaves for work.
I am excited for school to start next week, so Oli and I can start to have a schedule. Oh yeah, he starts Pre school next week too, it will be an exciting week, sad week but I also get some me time for a few hours 2 times a week. Oh what to do?

Being Pregnant and living with a disorder

As you all know when I was pregnant with Oliver I gained 65 pounds, I was very depressed during that pregnancy. Now I am pregnant again and I am aware that I have a problem and it haunts me every single day, every time I eat, every time I gain a pound, it is really tough.  I know some of you can relate to me and share the same illness but those of you that don't, don't judge and don't tell me it is easy, I have been dealing with this fight for over 10 years now and sometimes it gets easy and sometimes it consumes your body and mind.

I have had the most control this time but it is hard to look in the mirror and think pregnancy is sexy, charming or beautiful, don't get my wrong, I love my kids and my unborn but it is very difficult.

I had to get that off my chest.